It is Going to be a Very Long Year!

This last week has been uneventful when it comes to events anyways. My emotions have been running wild though. There was one thing that I forgot to mention in my last post, well I didn't forget I sort of left it out on purpose. I got a positive pregnancy test several days ago, three actually. It was the night before my appointment with my RE and I had been feeling so so tired (I still am) so I decided to take a test. I was stund when it came out positive. It was fairly faint but Nick saw it too and he never sees the imaginary lines that I do. I didn't really think that it was possible for me to be pregnant because I had had a blood test a few days before that showed low E2 meaning that I probably hadn't ovulated. The next morning I took another pregnancy test and it was positive again. Same with the one that afternoon. I then went to the doctor and my ultrasound showed no change and so did my E2. The doctor did a progesterone test that showed low results. I didn't ovulate nor was I pregnant. I never really believed that I was so I was shocked that when it was confirmed that I wasn't pregnant I was devistated, I couldn't stop crying. I later found out after hours of searching the internet that Menopur can cause false positive pregnancy tests because it contains small amounts of hcg.

Nick and I have decided to get our names in to recieve donated embryos. It is affordable as far as fertility treatment goes but the bad part is that there is at least a three year waiting list. We are trying to decide what to do this next year as far as treatments. As far as we know our plan is to get healthy (and pray I start ovulating on my own) and to save up possible for a round of IVF in december or january of next year. I am not confident that this is the way to go because I don't know how I will respond to the stims or if the IVF will result in a pregnancy in the first place, all of the what ifs worry me.

What ever happens Nick and I are buying a house and when we do we are going to become foster parents. I really want a baby of my own but three years is a long time to wait and we becoming foster parents will allow us to have children in our lives.
So that is the update for this week, I am not sure when I will post again I really don't see much happening anytime soon. Have a wonderful weekend and I hope all your dreams come true in the new year.

1000 Days is a Very Long Time!

I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I have so much to say as a lot has happened!
In my last post I mentioned that af did not come when she was expected. Well she never showed up at all. I waited until the 9th I believe and I called my RE she then set up an appointment for a baseline ultrasound and did some blood work. She is still unsure as to why I never got my period. I was then put on Menopur starting on the 13th, I took 150iu for two days then I took 75iu for four days. I went back in for an ultrasound and blood work on the 19th it showed no response so she upped my dose of menopur to 150iu a day for four days and once again I didn't respond my E2 was around 52 (what ever that means!). She kept me on the 150iu dose for four more days. I went in for yet another ultrasound today (really early I might add) I had two follicles, one on each ovary that were 8mm, not very big but bigger than the others so I was obviously excited as I thought that the meds were actually working. During my consult with my RE after the ultrasound she said that it didn't look like I was responding. She said that it was best to just cancel this cycle. I will be put on Provera for 10 days and then birth control for a few months. I do not like the idea of being on BC as it really seems counter productive.
So this is what is going on with this cycle.

There is something else I really need to tell everyone. Nick and I have decided to take a break from ttc with help. We have been trying for exactly 1000 days tomorrow and with the cost of this canceled cycle and the stress we thought that it would be best for us to take a break for the next year and just focus on us. Since a couple of months before we were married we have been trying to get pregnant, at first it wasn't very stressful as we were sort of just going with it. But during that first year we were going through a ruff time and then after that first year the stress off ttc got to us. Our relationship was better but ttc takes alot of emotional effort. We are now half way through our third year of marriage and we have decided to make 2012 all about us and about our relationship and about being together, no more stress with fertility treatments and their costs. We plan on going on minny trips and paying off debt, we want to buy a house and a car, as disappointed as I am about this cycle not working out I am so excited that we can make some time for us. I know that LTTTC can destroy a relationship and I will not let that happen.

That is all for now I suppose. Happy New Years!

Where is she!

I always get my period on the third day after stopping provera. It has been this way since I started provera to bring on af six months ago! So based on that I should have got my period today! but she was a no show. If she had come today I could have started stemming on saturday. I am not even cramping so who knows when she will show up. I have never wanted a period so bad! And my body disappoints me again...
Hopefully I she will show up tomorrow so I can call my RE and set up an appointment.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

This last weekend after a long conversation with my husband I had a new found feeling of optimism. This feeling led me to "come out" to a lot of people about our struggle with infertility. It also helped me to realize that I wasn't doing anybody any good by just letting myself float through life feeling sorry for myself. It definitely wasn't helping me and it wasn't helping anyone else experiencing infertility. I then decided to make it my mission to tell everyone that would listen about our struggle, not for sympathy or for pity but because I thought that maybe just maybe the reason that we were going through this was because it was our purpose to educate others. I couldn't bare the thought that we were struggling for a baby just because we drew the short straw. I started to talk to a couple of friends. I tried to inform them about the infertile world. I think I got through to at least one of them. They had the "Oh, I think I get it." look.

So this leads us to today, there is a girl that I have known since middle-school that is pregnant. Today she announced that she is pregnant with twins. My heart skips a beat when I write that. Ever since we started fertility treatments I have told my husband that I  would love to have twins. I would be happy with just one baby but I am just not sure I want to go through the emotional roller coaster and the huge expense of the treatments for a second time. So of course I took it pretty hard when I found out that this girl that didn't even try to get pregnant was having twins. This led me to text a "good friend." just to bitch about how it wasn't fair that this girl was having twins and that I wanted twins and I told her why I wanted twins. My "friend" preceded to tell me that twins were so much harder to handle than one and that I am young so I should wait a few years after I have my first to try for my second. I tried telling her that she didn't understand and that infertility is hard and painful. She then compared people being mean to her in high-school and her getting pregnant by accident in college when she didn't want a baby to the emotions I am feeling about infertility. She also added that I am making people around me miserable. I didn't respond. What she said hit me pretty hard and it made me think about how much I have been bitching to people that have absolutely no clue what I am going through nor do they care. So in the span of a few days I went from making it my mission to inform others about infertility to not wanting to talk to anyone about it because I really don't think that they will care, as long as it doesn't effect them directly they couldn't give a shit. People are selfish, yet it is all of these selfish people that get everything that they want. I am just so frustrated! Should I just ignore this one thoughtless person or am I really just making everyone miserable? Should I simply only talk about this stuff with others that have been there or should I stand my ground and still try to get through to all of the ignorant people out there? Will it really do any good?

On a side note, I would like to say that I appreciate all of my friends that will sit there and listen to me bitch even if you don't know what to say at least you listen without offering pointless advice. Thank you.

Have a good night everyone.

"Advice"

So I was lying in bed at 2:00 this morning and I had this post come into my head and I thought it was important that I write it down before I forget what I was going to say.

First some background information to lead us into the real post.

My husband and I started trying for a baby in April of 2009, December 1st marks 2 years and 8 months that we have been trying. At first we kept our struggle a secret but as the months went on the weight of this secret held me down more and more.It actually started to add to the severity of the depression and anxiety that I was experiencing. I can't remember when it first started happening I just remember that it was the beginning of something wonderful. My husband has been so supportive of me "coming out" in fact he encouraged it. A few of our very close friends knew that we were trying but no body really knew how hard. If I am remembering correctly one of the first people I told was my older sister. Of course she does not understand even a little what it is like to be infertile, but she still lends an ear when ever I need it. She has never tried to offer advice to me (It's a good thing!) she has always been really supportive and when ever a new pregnancy announcement ambushes me on facebook she always calls to ask how I am taking it. I appreciate her very much for how she has helped me during this time in my life.

So it may have started with my sister but now everyone that is close to us knows and even some that aren't. It was a brave step but I slowly came out to the world about my infertility and I am much better for it.

So now the real post. I wanted to talk about "advice." As an infertile you will hear plenty of it. Everyone has an opinion. Well let me tell you, the people that offer this "advice" they are ignorant. They don't have a clue about what it is like to struggle with infertility. Maybe they were able to conceive in just a couple of tries (or less) and they consider their four month wait to have taken "forever" or maybe they don't even have children yet and haven't tried at all. I even know some people that "tried" for a couple of years but they never sought out tests or treatments. This just tells me that every piece of them was not in it like it is us so they didn't truly struggle. And yes, this person has also offered me "advice."

Here is a list of some common pieces of "advice" that you will hear while going through infertility....

1. "Just relax and it will happen."
- Not true, I can not relax away PCOS no more than a person can relax away heart disease or cancer. Infertility is a medical condition. While relaxing is good for the emotional aspects of dealing with infertility, IT DOES NOT CURE IT!

2. "Just adopt"
- WOW Just WOW! this truly shows how ignorant people are. You don't think we have thought about it? Adoption is EXPENSIVE!  According to theadoptionguide.com "The majority of domestic newborn adoptions cost between $25,000 and $35,000, while a strong majority of international adoptions cost more than $25,000." That is almost twice as expensive as IVF! and you still will not get to experience pregnancy.
Adoption takes a very long time, it can take anywhere from one to five years. And at any point during this time the biological parents can change their mind. According to americanadoptions.com "approximately 80-85 percent of birth mothers stay committed to their adoption plan while 15-20 percent change their minds at some point during the process."
While adoption may be an option for some infertile couples I am going to try everything else before I put that much at risk.

3. "Just get drunk"
-Just because it worked for you and your working reproductive system does not mean it will work for an infertile. If that was the case I would be pregnant every time I got my period.

4. "If it is meant to be it will happen." or "If God wanted you to have a baby he would give you one"
-Okay, first of all I don't care if your god wants me to have a baby or not. Second of all If it wasn't meant to be then I wouldn't want it this badly.


This is just a short list of the bad advice you will receive. Remember how I said that these people that offer this advice are ignorant? Well don't hate them for it because it is not their fault. It is ours. The people that know nothing of infertility offer this advice because no body has ever told them that it is unacceptable. The one sure way to get a person to stop offering these suggestions to you and to other infertiles is to educate them about infertility. If they are offering this advice they already know that you are struggling to conceive so embrace your situation and turn an ignorant fertile into an aware fertile. They have walks and marathons and everything else for hundreds of other diseases in order to raise awareness but there is no such thing for raising awareness when it comes to infertility. So instead of getting upset and shutting down your emotions like we all want to do when someone says these things, take it as an opportunity to open up and let them peek into our world. They will never fully understand what we have gone through but they will open their eyes. This can benefit not only you but the entire infertile community. If that one person you talked to tells two more people sooner or later everyone will be aware of us and when a new legislative bill comes out for example there will not just be infertile people but also fertile people that will be able to make informed decisions regarding it.

Now, I realize that this sort of turned into a lecture but this is just how I see things now. Granted I haven't always viewed my infertility this way but recently I have acquired some new found optimism so you will probably be seeing a lot of this for a while. Have a wonderful night!

~Never Lose Hope~

This thing that we are going through has been called a life crisis by many health professionals. The feelings that we are feeling have also been said to be comparable to the emotions felt by cancer patiants and those suffering with AIDS. It is no easy journey. It is difficult, it is heartbreaking, it is horrible, and we have no choice but to keep going. I have wanted for a very long time for something to come along that would change my mind. Something that would make it so that I wouldn't want a baby as badly as I do.
We want, we cry, we beg, we plead, we envy, but the most important thing we do, the thing that seperates us from the fertile population, is that above all of the other emotions that we feel, We Hope. Fate can throw many horrible things our way, from cysts, to endo, to pregnant friends and people with bad advice; after years of infertility fate may give you an ectopic or a miscarraige, you may lose a tube or have an unrelated surgery that causes scar tissue, you may over respond to your medications or you may not respond at all.
After all of the hell that we go through we still have hope. These things would knock any other person on their ass but not us, we have been through to much and we want this to bad. We all have days where we would love to just lie down and give up but the thing is, no matter how much we want to throw in the towl, the need for a baby is so much greater. The hope that we have in our hearts can never be overcome with grief. Sometimes on one of our off days it may seem like all of our hope is gone but it never truley is because the next day or the next cycle we are back at it, we are back to trying to achieve our dreams. If we had truely lost hope we would not have the strength to keep going. My point after this long rant is that no matter how dim things look there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At times it may feel like an illusion and other times it may seem so far away that you can't imagine ever reaching the other side but we are strong and we will keep going and some day no matter how many trains come at us and knock us out of the way we will reach the light and when we do the light will be so much brighter and so much warmer than it will be for those that have not had to endure the darkness.

While I Breath, I Hope- Latin Proverb

I am thankful that Thanksgiving is over! The jealousy is killing me!

I think the title of this post is pretty clear.

In the last three months I have had three of my childhood friends announce that they are pregnant. One of them is younger than me and already has a two year old daughter. The other got pregnant a month before her wedding and the other one is in a terrible on again off again relationship. For the last month or so I have been telling my husband that I suspect that before Christmas our sister in law (SIL) will be announcing that she is pregnant as her son is turning two in December and she expressed to me that she went off birthcontrol (BC) so they can prepare for ttc again. This was a red flag for me because I KNOW that men do not go from not using condoms to using them again. I knew it was only a matter of time.

The last few days I have been dreading Thanksgiving because I was terrified that she would announce a pregnancy and I was not sure how I would handle a pregnancy announcement ambush. As we were walking out to the car my husband looks at me and his exact words were "Just so you are prepared, Amy is pregnant" My heart sank. I know I should be happy for her and not as jealous as I am, as she is 35 (I think?) which is 15 years older than me, so time isn't exactly on her side like it is on mine. I just can help but feel this rediculous envy for what she has. I think a big part of it is that we don't make alot of money so we pinch pennies to be able to afford our treatments. Where her husband is a doctor so they could just right out a check for something even as expensive as IVF. I realize that I selfishly think that having money would make this less difficult but I guess the way I rationalize it is that with more money we wouldn't have to wait as long for our baby because we wouldn't have to save for as long and certain treatments wouldn't be off limits because we lack the funds.

It is four in the morning now and I just keep writting because if I don't than I will just lay in bed with all of these thoughts going through my head and that always leads to a silent meltdown (so I don't wake my husband).

Let's see, what else can I talk about... How about that Duggar women? She announced a couple of weeks ago that she is pregnant with her 20th child!!! That's just greedy!

Injectable cycle has been moved!
We were going to do our injectable cycle with IUI in January because we were planning on going to Arizona in december but we decided to move out vacation as all of my husbands siblings are going down at the same time and there is only one car. Nick's sister insists that her and her daughter get the car (even though we planned this trip a month before she spontaniously bought her tickets down there) so we decided that we don't want to spend our only vacation since our honeymoon cooped up in a tiny house because we don't have a ride anywhere. So we will do our IUI in December. Cycle day 1 (CD1) should be on the first of the month so I predict if all goes well I will get the HCG trigger shot on the 14th give or take and I should be able to take an accurate test by the 28th although I know I will test sooner and I will probably know by Christmas. This means that we will not be seeing Nick's family for that holiday, because if our IUI fails I do not want to be stuck at his brothers house listening to everyone talk about how awesome it is that Amy is pregnant again or listen to Amy complain about being pregnant. I would feel terrible for punching a pregnant women in the face. Just saying.

So I don't really have anything else to say right now but even at 4:20 in the morning I am still not tired as all of this crap is still racing through my mind and unfortuatly there is only infomercials on TV right now and sadly the insomnia means I have seen them all.

So I must find something else to occupy my time. Good night world I hope you are sleeping better than me.

I am an Infertile.

There I said it. I am an infertile. I have admitted I have a problem, so when does the healing begin?

I have PCOS and I have had it for a very long time. When I was a teenager I remember reading an artical in Seventeen magazine about PCOS and I remember thinking "well, I don't have that," sure I had/have very irregular periods (I should say non-existant) but at the time I didn't have any of the other symptoms that appeared later on in early adulthood such as the hairiness and the weight gain. I did have a little bit of fuzz on my upper lip but my mom always told me it was because I am Italian.

Little known to me, from the time I hit puberty at age 13 (on Thanksgiving!) the PCOS has been wreeking havok on my ovaries. The last time I remember having a natural, non medicly induced period I was 14.

My husband and I started dating in November of 2007 a year to the day we were engaged. Then in April of 2009 we started trying for a baby! In July of 2009 we got married. We had a beautiful outdoor ceremony. The weather was just perfect. Everything was just as perfect as it could be.A perfect start to a perfect marriage. A perfect marriage pact with challenges that would tear an imperfect marriage appart.

After a year of trying for a baby (ttc) I decided to see my general practitioner (gp). She said that she suspected I have pcos and gave me metformin. She told me to come back in a year if I wasn't pregnant. She didn't even do any testing. A year later when we hit our two year mark I started to go into a depression. I just couldn't believe that I wasn't pregnant yet. I hadn't even had a period in years. So I made an appointment with an obgyn at a different clinic. I saw her in May of 2011. She did alot of testing. She did an ultrasound and a lot of blood tests. So I was finally diagnosed with PCOS in May of 2011 after ttc for 2 years and 1 month.

The blood tests came back that I also had hypothyroidism and after four months of treatment my thyroid levels were fine and my gp finally gave me Clomid. I showed no responce to the 50mg of Clomid so she refered me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).

They did a lot more tests. My husband's semen analysis (SA) came back with great results. My RE decided to put me on 100mg of clomid. I showed no response. So she gave me 2.5mg of Femera. Once again no response. So she gave me 10mg of Tomoxifen. No response.

Next Step: Injectables In January

We Could have continued with Injectables this cycle but we are going to Arizona for four days in December and it would interfer with the monitering of this cycle. We are guessing that it will cost about $2000 for that cycle so we are just going to have to cash in my husbands retirement savings to pay for it. He has just over $2000 so I hope that it will be enough money.

Well that brings us up to speed. Have a great day.