"Advice"

So I was lying in bed at 2:00 this morning and I had this post come into my head and I thought it was important that I write it down before I forget what I was going to say.

First some background information to lead us into the real post.

My husband and I started trying for a baby in April of 2009, December 1st marks 2 years and 8 months that we have been trying. At first we kept our struggle a secret but as the months went on the weight of this secret held me down more and more.It actually started to add to the severity of the depression and anxiety that I was experiencing. I can't remember when it first started happening I just remember that it was the beginning of something wonderful. My husband has been so supportive of me "coming out" in fact he encouraged it. A few of our very close friends knew that we were trying but no body really knew how hard. If I am remembering correctly one of the first people I told was my older sister. Of course she does not understand even a little what it is like to be infertile, but she still lends an ear when ever I need it. She has never tried to offer advice to me (It's a good thing!) she has always been really supportive and when ever a new pregnancy announcement ambushes me on facebook she always calls to ask how I am taking it. I appreciate her very much for how she has helped me during this time in my life.

So it may have started with my sister but now everyone that is close to us knows and even some that aren't. It was a brave step but I slowly came out to the world about my infertility and I am much better for it.

So now the real post. I wanted to talk about "advice." As an infertile you will hear plenty of it. Everyone has an opinion. Well let me tell you, the people that offer this "advice" they are ignorant. They don't have a clue about what it is like to struggle with infertility. Maybe they were able to conceive in just a couple of tries (or less) and they consider their four month wait to have taken "forever" or maybe they don't even have children yet and haven't tried at all. I even know some people that "tried" for a couple of years but they never sought out tests or treatments. This just tells me that every piece of them was not in it like it is us so they didn't truly struggle. And yes, this person has also offered me "advice."

Here is a list of some common pieces of "advice" that you will hear while going through infertility....

1. "Just relax and it will happen."
- Not true, I can not relax away PCOS no more than a person can relax away heart disease or cancer. Infertility is a medical condition. While relaxing is good for the emotional aspects of dealing with infertility, IT DOES NOT CURE IT!

2. "Just adopt"
- WOW Just WOW! this truly shows how ignorant people are. You don't think we have thought about it? Adoption is EXPENSIVE!  According to theadoptionguide.com "The majority of domestic newborn adoptions cost between $25,000 and $35,000, while a strong majority of international adoptions cost more than $25,000." That is almost twice as expensive as IVF! and you still will not get to experience pregnancy.
Adoption takes a very long time, it can take anywhere from one to five years. And at any point during this time the biological parents can change their mind. According to americanadoptions.com "approximately 80-85 percent of birth mothers stay committed to their adoption plan while 15-20 percent change their minds at some point during the process."
While adoption may be an option for some infertile couples I am going to try everything else before I put that much at risk.

3. "Just get drunk"
-Just because it worked for you and your working reproductive system does not mean it will work for an infertile. If that was the case I would be pregnant every time I got my period.

4. "If it is meant to be it will happen." or "If God wanted you to have a baby he would give you one"
-Okay, first of all I don't care if your god wants me to have a baby or not. Second of all If it wasn't meant to be then I wouldn't want it this badly.


This is just a short list of the bad advice you will receive. Remember how I said that these people that offer this advice are ignorant? Well don't hate them for it because it is not their fault. It is ours. The people that know nothing of infertility offer this advice because no body has ever told them that it is unacceptable. The one sure way to get a person to stop offering these suggestions to you and to other infertiles is to educate them about infertility. If they are offering this advice they already know that you are struggling to conceive so embrace your situation and turn an ignorant fertile into an aware fertile. They have walks and marathons and everything else for hundreds of other diseases in order to raise awareness but there is no such thing for raising awareness when it comes to infertility. So instead of getting upset and shutting down your emotions like we all want to do when someone says these things, take it as an opportunity to open up and let them peek into our world. They will never fully understand what we have gone through but they will open their eyes. This can benefit not only you but the entire infertile community. If that one person you talked to tells two more people sooner or later everyone will be aware of us and when a new legislative bill comes out for example there will not just be infertile people but also fertile people that will be able to make informed decisions regarding it.

Now, I realize that this sort of turned into a lecture but this is just how I see things now. Granted I haven't always viewed my infertility this way but recently I have acquired some new found optimism so you will probably be seeing a lot of this for a while. Have a wonderful night!