My sister is 12 weeks pregnant, they tried for three months. I am very happy for her. No, really I am. She deserves to have a happy pregnancy. Her last two kids were accidents at a young age and the pregnancies were stressful. She was still in high school when she got pregnant with my niece and she was 20 when she got pregnant with my nephew. So I would say that she deserves this pregnancy to go swimmingly because she can finally enjoy it. I am also happy to say that this will make me an aunt again and I LOVE being an aunt! As I said before I am very happy for my sister but this doesn't change the fact that I am also very jealous of her. I can't help but think that it isn't fair that she got pregnant after three months and I am still not pregnant after three years. It breaks my heart when she complains about morning sickness and about how she just wants to have the baby and get the pregnant over with. I visited her a few weeks ago and after we had a nice dinner out she had a bout of nausea during which time she nonsholantly said "don't ever get pregnant, it sucks." I know that she didn't mean anything by it and that she was just trying to express her discomfort but it still hurts me as I would give anything to feel the discomforts of pregnancy. I will never tell her how much her comments effect me because I know that she would feel terrible about it. She truly does feel badly for our struggle, I know she does but she just doesn't understand what it is like to deal with infertility.
I truly don't know how to deal with my emotions anymore. Nick and I were at Wal Mart this evening where we passed a guy, covered in hideous tattoos, his hat was on backwards and his pants were down to is knees. He was with a girl that looked well trashy. I realize this is very judgemental but I am just stating observations. The couple had with them an adorable newborn baby girl. She was sucking on a pink pacifier and was wrapped up in a pink blanket sound asleep. I was not the only one that noticed the baby. Nick made a point to say to me "did you see that baby? She is so cute!" All it took was a look from me and he tried to recover with "I mean ugly, that was an ugly baby." To late, the damage has been done. I smiled at him and choked back tears. This is just one example of how I am feeling lately. My sister in law is having a baby girl. I have many problems with this. First of all I am so jealous that she is pregnant but I won't bore you into going into detail with that again. Secondly I am so jealous that she is having a girl. When Nicks brother told us this news I immediately started to cry thankfully no body could see the tears as we were in a hot tub and the steam was so thick we couldn't see each others faces. I want a girl. I want a baby in general and would be happy with any gender, but most of all I want a girl. Thirdly, the theme of the nursery is butterflies. Butterflies are my thing, everyone knows that and I have always wanted a butterfly nursery.
I wish that I could just stop feeling. I want to be numb to all emotions. I want to feel indifferent about having a baby. I wish that I could do this, things would be so much easier.
Another crappy thing that has been going on with me lately is that I think something is wrong with my lady parts. Besides the fact that nothing works and that I am barren and all that junk. I keep track of my cervical position during my entire cycle this way if by some miracle my body actually wakes up and decides to do something I will know it. So upon doing my usual ritual of cervical tracking I discovered a hard raised spot on my cervix. Great, just effing great! So it is off to the doctor I go to find out what else is wrong with me.
I am so fed up with life. I feel like life is at a stand still, nothing is happening. I try to move forward in life but there is something in front of me that won't let me go any further. I can't help feeling like this. I can't sleep, I can't be happy, I can't enjoy life because the one thing that I want in life is so out of reach that I don't know if it will ever be within my grasp. I worry all the time and I can't help this feeling. Nick thinks that I am depressed which I know is true but I am not going to do anything about it. I don't care enough to do anything about it, I am just going to keep feeling like this because it's really the only thing that I feel anymore.
So that is my sad self centered rant. Sorry to bore anyone that will read this. Have a great week everyone.
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