Just the usual I guess

My sister is 12 weeks pregnant, they tried for three months. I am very happy for her. No, really I am. She deserves to have a happy pregnancy. Her last two kids were accidents at a young age and the pregnancies were stressful. She was still in high school when she got pregnant with my niece and she was 20 when she got pregnant with my nephew. So I would say that she deserves this pregnancy to go swimmingly because she can finally enjoy it. I am also happy to say that this will make me an aunt again and I LOVE being an aunt! As I said before I am very happy for my sister but this doesn't change the fact that I am also very jealous of her. I can't help but think that it isn't fair that she got pregnant after three months and I am still not pregnant after three years. It breaks my heart when she complains about morning sickness and about how she just wants to have the baby and get the pregnant over with. I visited her a few weeks ago and after we had a nice dinner out she had a bout of nausea during which time she nonsholantly said "don't ever get pregnant, it sucks." I know that she didn't mean anything by it and that she was just trying to express her discomfort but it still hurts me as I would give anything to feel the discomforts of pregnancy. I will never tell her how much her comments effect me because I know that she would feel terrible about it. She truly does feel badly for our struggle, I know she does but she just doesn't understand what it is like to deal with infertility.

I truly don't know how to deal with my emotions anymore. Nick and I were at Wal Mart this evening where we passed a guy, covered in hideous tattoos, his hat was on backwards and his pants were down to is knees. He was with a girl that looked well trashy. I realize this is very judgemental but I am just stating observations. The couple had with them an adorable newborn baby girl. She was sucking on a pink pacifier and was wrapped up in a pink blanket sound asleep. I was not the only one that noticed the baby. Nick made a point to say to me "did you see that baby? She is so cute!" All it took was a look from me and he tried to recover with "I mean ugly, that was an ugly baby." To late, the damage has been done. I smiled at him and choked back tears. This is just one example of how I am feeling lately. My sister in law is having a baby girl. I have many problems with this. First of all I am so jealous that she is pregnant but I won't bore you into going into detail with that again. Secondly I am so jealous that she is having a girl. When Nicks brother told us this news I immediately started to cry thankfully no body could see the tears as we were in a hot tub and the steam was so thick we couldn't see each others faces. I want a girl. I want a baby in general and would be happy with any gender, but most of all I want a girl. Thirdly, the theme of the nursery is butterflies. Butterflies are my thing, everyone knows that and I have always wanted a butterfly nursery.
I wish that I could just stop feeling. I want to be numb to all emotions. I want to feel indifferent about having a baby. I wish that I could do this, things would be so much easier.

Another crappy thing that has been going on with me lately is that I think something is wrong with my lady parts. Besides the fact that nothing works and that I am barren and all that junk. I keep track of my cervical position during my entire cycle this way if by some miracle my body actually wakes up and decides to do something I will know it. So upon doing my usual ritual of cervical tracking I discovered a hard raised spot on my cervix. Great, just effing great! So it is off to the doctor I go to find out what else is wrong with me.

I am so fed up with life. I feel like life is at a stand still, nothing is happening. I try to move forward in life but there is something in front of me that won't let me go any further. I can't help feeling like this. I can't sleep, I can't be happy, I can't enjoy life  because the one thing that I want in life is so out of reach that I don't know if it will ever be within my grasp. I worry all the time and I can't help this feeling. Nick thinks that I am depressed which I know is true but I am not going to do anything about it. I don't care enough to do anything about it, I am just going to keep feeling like this because it's really the only thing that I feel anymore.

So that is my sad self centered rant. Sorry to bore anyone that will read this. Have a great week everyone.

Spring is Around the Corner!

We finally made it to Arizona! And then five short days later we had to go home. I absolutely loved it down there. I never knew that seventy degree weather in February could make me so happy. My husband saw his first palm tree and I saw my first cactus. It was so sunny the whole time we were down there and it wasn't a normal kind of sunny either it was the type of sunny that warms the soul and invokes the brightest smile. I can definitely see why people visit there and never leave. It was a nice well timed trip we left the winter to enjoy the summer and we came back to spring. Plans are all ready in the works for next years winter trip to the valley of the sun.  According to my irrational thinking winter officially ends when March does and we now have a decent start to winters dying days! We close on the house at the end of April and we can move in at the end of June, it is going to be an amazing summer, they all are but this one is going to be extra special.

I am the type of person that steers clear of fads. I won't do something just because everyone else is doing it but I heard about pinterest and decided to check it out. I am now in love with a website. I have knowingly joined a craze and followed a fad. So unlike me but hey, I guess change was in order.

On another note, most people who know me consider me a tornado enthusiast. I love tornadoes, they are one force of nature that is powerful, beautiful, and for the most part unpredictable, this fascinates me. Every spring I look forward to tornado season because of the fascination I have with severe storms but when a tornado strikes a house or a town, when it destroys a family and the dreams they have built it is a reminder of the dangerous side of mother nature. The tornadoes that went thought the country this last week effected many lives and took many others. It is a tragedy and my heart goes out to those that were effected in any way by the storms.

I have a feeling that the spring tornado season is just getting started and that it is going to be a bad one this year. I have really no proof of this as in I haven't heard anything from a meteorologist but my instinct is usually right about these things and I think a nearly non existent winter is going to mean a severe spring. So remember to keep a weather radio handy and to have a plan should a tornado warning be issued for your area. Stay safe and keep alert to any watches that may be issued. Have a great week.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End

So much has happened since my last post. First of all, we got the house! The appraisal went well and we can take possession on April 1st. Second item up for discussion is that I figured out that I am going to school for auto body. I have always been good at art and love the heck out of it and since we will have our own shop I can still work from home like I have always wanted to do which will be great when we eventually have kids.

Now that we got that business out of the way, I have some very important things that I need to talk about. Nick and I have made some important decisions in the past few weeks and it is up for debate on whether or not we will eventually change our minds regarding these decisions (and by we I mean me).

Remember when I said that we were going to wait until December to start doing treatments again, well after much thought and discussion we have decided to wait even longer, possibly a few years longer. Of course this decision will be re-evaluated once December rolls around but for right now we think that it is the right decision for us. I feel that LTTTC is stealing my youth. I eat sleep and breathe infertility, it causes more stress than my body can handle and I can't do this anymore, at least for the time being. I was talking to nick about these feeling and we started discussing how much freedom we have. If we save up for six months we can afford a pretty decent vacation especially after I am done with school. We won't have to worry about a baby sitter, or being late because our baby took forever to get ready. We can make spontaneous weekend trips. We could buy a car and remodel our new house. If we were to have a baby in the next year we couldn't do any of these things. The truth is I am not ready to spend $5000 dollars a month until we get pregnant and at least I can have some control over my life if I make it my decision not to have a baby right now. Instead of filling myself with the love of a baby I can fill myself with material things and trips.  I really do think that waiting is our best option maybe something unexpected will come of this just because we decided to wait. Maybe I will get pregnant on my own in the next few year, I really doubt it but I won't give up hope. I feel like this is the end of a chapter for us but when one door closes another one opens, especially if your the one that shut the door in the first place. There are a few other things that I want to discuss but now is not the time. That is all for now. Have a great weekend.

Life goes on!

We put an offer in on a house and it was accepted! It is a beautiful house on just under two acres! It has 3 bed rooms and 1.5 baths. Besides the attached two stall garage it has a five stall shop with a bathroom and an office. The land is terraced and the best part is that there are two weeping willows. I just love weeping willows, they are the prettiest trees! We are getting an FHA loan so we have to wait for the house to appraise for what we offered and it has to pass inspection, When this happens we will take possession on March 3rd. Then we can move in at the beginning of July. There are renters in there now and their lease is up in June, by law we have to honor their lease agreement with the original owners.

Tomorrow I have an interview for a fulltime nanny position. The baby that I would be taking care of was born on December 30th so it is just a tiny little thing. I would start in March. I am so so excited and I really hope that I get this job.

That is all for now. Have a great week.

It is Going to be a Very Long Year!

This last week has been uneventful when it comes to events anyways. My emotions have been running wild though. There was one thing that I forgot to mention in my last post, well I didn't forget I sort of left it out on purpose. I got a positive pregnancy test several days ago, three actually. It was the night before my appointment with my RE and I had been feeling so so tired (I still am) so I decided to take a test. I was stund when it came out positive. It was fairly faint but Nick saw it too and he never sees the imaginary lines that I do. I didn't really think that it was possible for me to be pregnant because I had had a blood test a few days before that showed low E2 meaning that I probably hadn't ovulated. The next morning I took another pregnancy test and it was positive again. Same with the one that afternoon. I then went to the doctor and my ultrasound showed no change and so did my E2. The doctor did a progesterone test that showed low results. I didn't ovulate nor was I pregnant. I never really believed that I was so I was shocked that when it was confirmed that I wasn't pregnant I was devistated, I couldn't stop crying. I later found out after hours of searching the internet that Menopur can cause false positive pregnancy tests because it contains small amounts of hcg.

Nick and I have decided to get our names in to recieve donated embryos. It is affordable as far as fertility treatment goes but the bad part is that there is at least a three year waiting list. We are trying to decide what to do this next year as far as treatments. As far as we know our plan is to get healthy (and pray I start ovulating on my own) and to save up possible for a round of IVF in december or january of next year. I am not confident that this is the way to go because I don't know how I will respond to the stims or if the IVF will result in a pregnancy in the first place, all of the what ifs worry me.

What ever happens Nick and I are buying a house and when we do we are going to become foster parents. I really want a baby of my own but three years is a long time to wait and we becoming foster parents will allow us to have children in our lives.
So that is the update for this week, I am not sure when I will post again I really don't see much happening anytime soon. Have a wonderful weekend and I hope all your dreams come true in the new year.

1000 Days is a Very Long Time!

I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last post. I have so much to say as a lot has happened!
In my last post I mentioned that af did not come when she was expected. Well she never showed up at all. I waited until the 9th I believe and I called my RE she then set up an appointment for a baseline ultrasound and did some blood work. She is still unsure as to why I never got my period. I was then put on Menopur starting on the 13th, I took 150iu for two days then I took 75iu for four days. I went back in for an ultrasound and blood work on the 19th it showed no response so she upped my dose of menopur to 150iu a day for four days and once again I didn't respond my E2 was around 52 (what ever that means!). She kept me on the 150iu dose for four more days. I went in for yet another ultrasound today (really early I might add) I had two follicles, one on each ovary that were 8mm, not very big but bigger than the others so I was obviously excited as I thought that the meds were actually working. During my consult with my RE after the ultrasound she said that it didn't look like I was responding. She said that it was best to just cancel this cycle. I will be put on Provera for 10 days and then birth control for a few months. I do not like the idea of being on BC as it really seems counter productive.
So this is what is going on with this cycle.

There is something else I really need to tell everyone. Nick and I have decided to take a break from ttc with help. We have been trying for exactly 1000 days tomorrow and with the cost of this canceled cycle and the stress we thought that it would be best for us to take a break for the next year and just focus on us. Since a couple of months before we were married we have been trying to get pregnant, at first it wasn't very stressful as we were sort of just going with it. But during that first year we were going through a ruff time and then after that first year the stress off ttc got to us. Our relationship was better but ttc takes alot of emotional effort. We are now half way through our third year of marriage and we have decided to make 2012 all about us and about our relationship and about being together, no more stress with fertility treatments and their costs. We plan on going on minny trips and paying off debt, we want to buy a house and a car, as disappointed as I am about this cycle not working out I am so excited that we can make some time for us. I know that LTTTC can destroy a relationship and I will not let that happen.

That is all for now I suppose. Happy New Years!

Where is she!

I always get my period on the third day after stopping provera. It has been this way since I started provera to bring on af six months ago! So based on that I should have got my period today! but she was a no show. If she had come today I could have started stemming on saturday. I am not even cramping so who knows when she will show up. I have never wanted a period so bad! And my body disappoints me again...
Hopefully I she will show up tomorrow so I can call my RE and set up an appointment.